Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
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