good thing vaginas are great cup holders
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
