Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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