I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
