Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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