dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
