We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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