haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize