Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
