What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
