That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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