I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
