I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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