we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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