Apparently you make a good broom.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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