You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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