my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
