Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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