Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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