Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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