My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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