He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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