Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize