Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
