Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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