According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
