never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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