I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
