I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
