Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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