Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I did not marry a roomba.
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