just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
