I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dear god my vagina.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
