I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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