Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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