either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
we're so committed to being not committed
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize