I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
