either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
