dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
