I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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