last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
