Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
