you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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