she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
