my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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