He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
even my farts smell like vagina
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
