I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
