i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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