i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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