Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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