i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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