i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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