you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
