i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
