there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize