I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
