some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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