you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
