when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
